Dealing with Divorce and Separation:

A Guide for Teens

 

If your parents are separated or divorced, you are probably dealing with a lot of changes in your family life. You may be living full-time with one parent, or you may be going back and forth between both of your parent's homes. You may be living with a parent and your parent's new partner and also dealing with stepbrothers and sisters or new half-brothers and sisters. You may even be living with your grandparents.

 

Whatever your situation is, it's normal to have many different feelings and emotions about all of these changes. Dealing with divorce or separation can be really hard to get used to. This guide was written to answer the most common questions teens have about coping with divorce and separation.

 

Ever since my parents told me they're getting divorced, I've been feeling upset all the time. Is this normal?

If your parents are separated, in the process of getting divorced, or recently divorced, it is normal for you to be experiencing many different feelings. Even if your parents were divorced a while ago, it is still normal to have strong feelings about it. Some common feelings or emotions are:

• Shock or surprise
• Anxiety - you may worry about what is going to happen to you and who will take care of you
• Sadness and a feeling of loss
• Anger - you may be angry at your parents or you may feel angry in general Fear - if one of your parents leaves, you may be afraid of losing your other parent.
• Guilt - you may feel like it's your fault that your parents split up Loneliness - you may feel that you have no one to talk to or that no one understands what you are going through.
• Worry - you may worry about your own ability to have a good relationship or marriage in the future

You may also feel:

• relieved because there is less stress at home.
• happy to have special time alone with each parent.

All of these feelings are a normal part of coping with all of the changes in your family life, but if these feelings are making you feel overwhelmed and bad most of the time, it would be best for you to talk with your parents, a trusted adult, or a friend. Many teens who are going through a family divorce find it helpful to talk with a counselor or therapist too.

 

Your health care provider should be able to help you find a specially trained person such as a social worker or psychologist to talk to. Talking with someone can help you feel better while you're dealing with difficult times, and it can also help you to find solutions to problems that you may not have thought of on your own.

 

I'm relieved that my parents got divorced. Is this normal?

Sometimes when parents get divorced they have been arguing or fighting a lot. In some families there may even have been physical violence, alcohol problems, or other situations that created stress in the home. After the divorce or separation, it is normal to experience feelings of relief as your environment becomes less stressful and more stable.

 

Since my parents got divorced, nothing in my life is the same. Will it always be this hard?

After a divorce, your everyday life can feel confusing. It may not seem like it now, but dealing with all of the changes will get easier with time. The many changes that come with divorce are hard to accept all at once. You will need time to think about things and it can help to have someone to talk to. It is especially important that you understand that you are not responsible for your parent's divorce.

 

Here are some of the ways divorce might change your life:

• Custody arrangements and visitations - you may only be able to see your parents on certain days that were decided by the court
• Your parents may be sad and preoccupied for a while after the divorce.
• You probably won't see one of your parents as much as you did before the divorce.
• You may have trouble concentrating in school.
• You may have to move and you may have to change schools.
• You may have a different relationship with your grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, or other family members.
• One or both of your parents may be dating.
• Your family finances may be strained.

These changes can be a lot to deal with at first, but you will get used to them after a while.

 

My parents don't get along, and I always feel like I'm in the middle. How can I tell them what would make this situation easier for me?

There are many things parents can do to try to make life easier after a divorce. You may want to share the following tips with your parents:

• It is best if both parents stay involved with you and reassure you that they will always love and care for you. If one of your parents moves away or does not stay in touch, it is not your fault.
  
  
• It is important for parents to try not to put you in the middle. Sometimes your parents may be tempted to complain about each other or have you deliver messages back and forth. This may make you feel like you have to choose between your parents or that you are not being loyal enough to one of your parents. If this is happening, it is okay to tell a parent that this upsets you.
  
  
• It is important for your parents to try to get along, especially about things that directly affect you, like visits.
  
  
• It is best for you to have as few changes as possible, at least for a while. Sometimes it may be necessary to move and go to a new school. If this happens, tell your parents that you would like to be able to stay in touch with your friends from your old neighborhood and school.

Even if your parents try their best to make things easier for you, they may not be able to do all of these things all of the time. Remember that your parents are also trying to deal with the changes in your family life and they may not always be as tuned in to your needs as they were before. Learning how to express your feelings to your parents will really help to let them know what's important to you.

 

My parents got divorced when I was little. Shouldn't I have gotten over it by now?

If your parents got divorced when you were younger, you may have gotten used to some of the changes. You may still have many strong feelings about the divorce, even though other people think you have gotten over it. When you became a teenager, the visitation arrangements you have had may no longer work because of your social or school activities. It is important to talk to your parents when you think it is time to change your arrangement, and try to work with them to figure out a new schedule that fits your life and theirs.

 

What are some ways I can deal with stress?

There are many ways to relieve stress. Some teens write in journals or listen to music; some play sports, read, or talk to friends. If your usual ways of dealing with stress are not helping, you may want to talk to a school guidance counselor, religious leader or mental health professional.

 

Separation and divorce can cause new situations as time goes on, such as the remarriage of one or both of your parents or the addition of new family members. As these new situations come up, it's normal to have new feelings about your parent's divorce. Remember that although divorce can complicate your life, in time you will learn how to handle your new family situations.

 

Additional Resources

 

Recommended Reading for Teens Dealing with Divorce

 

How It Feels When Parents Divorce, by Jill Krementz. (Knopf. March 1988).

 

Teens are Non-Divorceable: A Workbook for Divorced Parents and Their Children Ages 12-18, by Sara Bonkowski. (ACTA Publications. October 1990).

 

Divorce Is Not the End of the World : Zoe's And Evan's Coping Guide for Kids, by Zoe Stern, Evan Stern, and Ellen Sue Stern. (Tricycle Press. October 1997).

 

Everything You Need to Know About Your Parents' Divorce, by Linda C. Johnson. (Rosen. December 1995).

 

Recommended Web Sites for Teens Dealing with Divorce

 

KidsHealth - Dealing with Divorce

Information on divorce from the Nemours Foundation.

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/divorce.html

 

iConnect - Dealing with Divorce

A web site for teens coping with divorce or separation.

http://www.aces.uiuc.edu/~iconnect

Written by the Center for Young Women's Health Staff

 

Updated 10/31/2005

 

Related Information:

• Counseling and Therapy: A Guide for Teens
• Coping with Loss
• Related Links

 

 

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